It was the next time we were alone in the basement of her house after I had done my concert with the Symphony.
Sally, her mother and Billy had come to the symphony performance together. After the concert I was on my way out with Miss Thomas to get a ride back to her house. We were walking through the lobby of the concert hall when I spotted Sally, Billy and Sally’s mother ahead of us.
I touched Miss Thomas on her arm and asked, “I see the people who drove me over to your house up ahead. Would it be alright if I run ahead and say hello to them?”
“Sure, Roland, You go ahead. I’ll catch up to you.”
As I was trying to work my way through the other people filing out of the theater, I kept having to pause when people recognized me and wanted me to stop so they could say something. I was enjoying the attention so as I was shaking hands with a nice woman I looked over her shoulder and said, “Excuse me. I see some friends of mine just ahead. Would it be alright if I call one of their names and see if I can get their attention?”
Without waiting for an answer I called out, “Sally! Hey Sally!”
Sally turned around and smiled as she saw me. “Wait up a second. I’ll be right there,” I called.
Sally nodded and pulled her mother and Billy off to the side of the lobby as I apologized to the woman and thanked her for her compliments. I was approached by a few more congratulatory people as I made my way over to where Sally and the others were waiting. By the time I had caught up to them, Miss Thomas had also caught up to me, so we arrived together.
Sally immediately came towards me and threw her arms around me like she did at the recital two years before. She also kissed me again on the cheek and hugged me much tighter than ever before. It was as though she was hugging me with her entire body. She whispered in my ear, “I just can’t believe what you can do. You looked so handsome and grown up at the piano up there. And you’re playing with a symphony orchestra. You are just one amazing guy!” Then she pulled her head back and kissed me again, only this time on the lips.
As I’m sure the fact my face felt so hot was because I was definitely blushing, I quickly broke away from Sally and said, “Mrs. Russell, Sally and Billy, I’d like you to meet my piano teacher, Miss Thomas. You probably remember her from the recital we did a couple of years ago.”
Miss Thomas shook their hands as she said how nice it was to meet them and thanked them for coming. Mrs. Russell also reached over and gave me a hug after she shook Miss Thomas’ hand. “Roland, this was quite an experience seeing you on that stage playing with the symphony. You certainly played perfectly and it is such a beautiful piece of music. Thank you for letting us know so Sally and I could be here.”
“You’re welcome,” I said. “I’m happy you could make it.”
Billy came up to me and I could tell he was feeling some awkwardness with all this formality going on around us. But he did put out his hand and shook mine. “Hey, nice job, Van. It sounded real good.”
There was a few moments of rather awkward silence as the five of us stood there not sure what to say to each other. I kept looking at Sally and she was looking at me in a way I’d never seen before. She had an intensity in her eyes which was certainly new to me. I felt a sort of urgency to be able to be with her and see if I could find out what she was thinking. It definitely seemed as though she had something on her mind that she couldn’t talk about here and I wanted to find out what it was.
Since Miss Thomas and I had not talked about what would be happening after the concert – and she didn’t know that I was living at Sally’s house, I needed to come up with something so she would know where to take me. I also didn’t want her to have to drive all the way to my side of town if she didn’t have to.
Miss Thomas reached over and touched my arm and said, “Roland, I see Mr. Sobrowski just coming out of the auditorium and I’m betting he’s going to want to say something to you. Maestro Krueger might also be hoping to touch base with you before you leave.” She reached out her hand to shake Billy’s, Sally’s and Mrs. Russell’s hands as she said, “It was so good of you all to be here tonight. It meant a lot to me and I’m sure it meant a lot to Roland as well. And, thank you Mrs. Russell for bringing our pianist over to my studio today.”
The first thought which flew through my mind as she said those words and as Sally, Billy and her mom began to look for an opening to move toward the door, were, “Oh shit. Now what am I going to do?” However, I knew waiting to say some final words to Mr. Sobrowski and Maestro Krueger would be the right thing to do.
I looked over at Sally and could see the disappointment in her eyes. She put her hand up as a sort of feeble goodbye, then looked down at the floor. I felt something click inside of me – an awareness of an emotion new to me. Sally and I had begun to spend more and more intimate time together over the past couple of years. She was almost two years older than me so we had gradually moved from the adolescent necking stage to the teenage petting stage during those times we were alone.
I looked at Miss Thomas and nodded to show I’d heard her. Then I turned to Sally and took her in my arms to give her another hug. As I put my lips close to her ear I whispered, “I’ll ask Miss Thomas to bring me to your house or I’ll take the bus as soon as I’m done here.”
Sally nodded her head slightly as I pulled away and said my goodbyes to the others.
Mr. Sobrowski and Maestro Krueger both had good things to say about the performance. They thanked me and Miss Thomas for the work we put into our preparation and commented that we all had much to be proud of tonight. They both hoped I would continue with my studies and looked forward to the day when I could be back on the concert stage in the not too distant future.
I think I would have felt more of the gratification of the compliments from these two outstanding men if my mind wasn’t so focused on figuring out how to get Miss Thomas to drive me to Sally’s. As we left the back stage area and worked our way again through the lobby area, I decided to just come right out and ask her. “Miss Thomas,” I said, “would it be possible for you to bring me back to Mrs. Russell’s and Sally’s house?”
“I was going to ask you where you wanted me to take you,” she answered. “It is getting kind of late for you to be riding the buses and since you’re all dressed up I would be a bit worried about you. So, yes, I’d be happy to take you there. Just show me where to go. And, Roland, I want you to know how proud I am of you. You played beautifully tonight. I’ve heard this movement played by renowned pianists and you certainly played as well as any I’ve ever heard. I’m not just saying this to make you feel good – I truly do mean it. So, thank you again for all your hard work and for making me look so good as your teacher.”
XXXX
Miss Thomas dropped me off at the side door of Sally’s house. I went in and down the stairs leading to the basement area. After a few minutes Sally came down the stairs. I was just taking off my suit jacket and tie as she came up to me, put her arms around my neck and kissed me full on the mouth. As our kiss continued our lips parted and we began to explore with our tongues. This wasn’t the first time we kissed with passion, but I felt this wasn’t the same as the other times. There was definitely something much more intense happening. Something new for us.
Sally said, “My mom won’t be going to bed yet, so I wondered if you felt like taking a walk outside for a while? It’s a nice night and I’ll bet it will feel good to just calm down after all the excitement and stress from today.”
It did sound like a good thing to do as I was experiencing a physical let-down after the concert. I figured getting out into the fresh air would revive me. I was in need of some water so I said, “Sounds like a good idea. But, before we go I really need a huge glass of water. Could you get me a glass – or would you like me to go up and say hello to your mom, let her know we’re going for a walk and get one myself?”
Sally said she thought my going up myself was a good idea. After saying hello and thanking Mrs. Russell, I got the water, drained the glass and went back downstairs. Sally and I left the house. As we walked down the street where Sally lived I knew something had definitely changed between us. I think we both had some idea we were about to venture into new territory in our relationship. There was something in the way she looked at me after the concert. Something in the way she held her body against me when we hugged. Something in the way she took my arm and put it around her shoulders so my hand was just touching her breast as we walked. Something in the way she put her arm around my waist with her hand in my back pocket and her head on my shoulder as we walked.
I had little doubt Sally would be coming down the stairs later that night to be with me after her mother had gone to bed. She had done this before, not often, but when she did it was exciting – and a little bit adventurous – not only in the fact she did this while her mother was asleep upstairs, but also in the intimate exploring we began doing with our mouths, our hands and our bodies.
We walked slowly for a few blocks in silence. Then Sally said, “I want to swing on the swings over by the school in the next block. It seems like it’s been forever since I last swung. How about you? Do you like to swing, Rollo?”
“Yeah. But I haven’t done it in ages, either.”
When we got to the school yard, Sally got on one of the swings and said, “Push me, Rollo. Not hard – just a little to get me started.”
I stood behind her, put my hands on her hips and gave a small push. Then, as she swung back and as I reached to give her another push, Sally put her feet on the ground to stop her swing, reached down, took my hands from her hips and put them around the front of her on her breasts, tilted her head back and said, “Kiss me! I need you to kiss me!”
We kissed. Then Sally stood up and we faced each other as we kissed again and again, our bodies pushing hard against each other, our hands groping to feel more and more of each other, our breathing growing more intense as our passion increased.
Breathlessly I said, “Mmmm, Sally. I don’t want to stop but I also want to wait until we’re able to be together later in my bed. What do you say we swing a little more?”
Sally answered by pulling my face down to hers kissing me passionately again while she stroked me through the front of my pants. Then she moved away, grinned at me in a teasing way and said, “Sure, let’s swing for awhile – while we still can.”
We had been at the school yard for over an hour when Sally got off her swing, came over to mine, grabbed the swing chain to get me to slow down and stop. She stood in front of me with both her hands on the swing chains and leaned into me so her breasts were almost touching my face. “Rollo, I think we should go back now. My mom will be in bed by now and I want to be with you tonight.”
I reached up and caressed her breasts as she stood in front of me. I stood up and took her in my arms again as we kissed. Both of us began to move our hands to the places on our bodies where we had touched several times before but this time it was with much more urgency. We both were completely aware of what we were going to do that night.
I had done it a few months before with a girl in my neighborhood who was known to be someone who would do it willingly. That was just about doing it for no reason other than to just do it – plus it was done standing up in her backyard. It was exciting for me, but definitely not intimate or romantic. What Sally and I were experiencing was so different. We were about to do something that had romance, young love, real intimacy and respect built into it.
As we grew more passionate I had a worrisome thought.
“Sally,” I said, “have you ever done it before?”
“Yeah,” she answered with rapid breaths as she held one of my hands against her breast while I gently stroked her between her legs with the other, “I did it with a friend of one of my cousins about a year ago. I didn’t like it because it was just a fuck as far as he was concerned. Plus it hurt a lot. It wasn’t what I thought it would be.”
“Are you sure you want to do it again?” I asked.
Sally moved her hand to the front of my trousers, began to slowly stroke me and, with a sly, sexy smile, said, “Oh yeah, I’m glad now that I did it before because now I feel it will be better for both of us. Have you done it before?”
I nodded my head as I pushed myself against her. I said, “We better be getting back.”
After we arrived back at her house Sally whispered, “I need to make sure my mom is asleep. I’ll be down in a little while.”
I went down to my corner of the basement, used the toilet, brushed my teeth and washed myself. I turned off the overhead light and turned on the light in the corner where the wash basin was so we wouldn’t be completely in the dark. I took off my clothes except for my underpants and climbed into bed. I felt a little nervous because I didn’t want to disappoint Sally. She had become such a good friend and the things we’d been doing together lately truly meant something special to both of us. I sure didn’t want that to change, yet I knew we were going to be making love that night. It was a big step for us and I didn’t want whatever change might take place to cause us to pull apart.
I heard Sally making her way down the stairs and could tell she was trying to make as little noise as possible. When I watched her I could see she was wearing a night shirt which came to just below her knees. Even though the light was dim I could see it was a pale blue color with some sort of design at the top. I could also tell by the way her breasts moved under the shirt that she was naked.
She came to the bed and crawled in beside me. Her body felt wonderful as she cuddled herself against my side and placed one of her legs over me. Usually we had more clothes on when we were petting each other, so it felt extra good to feel the warmth of her naked body under her night shirt.
“I’m pretty sure my mom is asleep but she usually snores once she’s out. I didn’t hear anything when I checked. So, we better try to be a little quiet, okay?” she said as she pressed against me.
I rolled over to face her and started to kiss her. Our kisses grew in their intensity as we probed our mouths with our tongues and our hands went exploring. I could taste the toothpaste in her mouth and loved caressing her under her night shirt. It felt so good to feel her nakedness. I felt like I was a whole person for the first time in my life. It was as though my body, my mind and my heart were all in perfect union and in agreement with hers. In the past, our moves to touch each other in our most intimate places were somewhat fumbling and awkward. Tonight it seemed completely right and natural, especially with no clothing barriers to get in our way. There was no hesitation for either of us.
Sally began to make little whimpering sounds as I touched her more deeply. She began to move herself against my hand as she continued to stroke me and kiss me. I kissed her breasts as she started to push my underwear down, so I reached down and took them off. I then reached up to help her lift her night shirt over her head. I raised myself up and I looked down at her and she was so beautiful. She rolled on her back as I moved over her and she took me into her. As we moved together I listened to her soft moans as I caressed her breasts and kissed them over and over. Our movements were getting more rapid as our passion grew and both our bodies began to perspire. Everything we were doing seemed to blend into one thing and it all made so much sense.
Our movements were becoming more urgent and our breathing sounded like we were running as fast as we could. I could see Sally begin to smile just before she gasped and pushed herself up hard against me. I held her tightly and kept whispering her name over and over as she began to shudder. Only a few seconds later I pulled away from her as I felt my body rise to a place where the world around me ceased to exist. Sally held me tight against her with her arms and legs wrapped around my body.
We lay together for a long time as our breathing slowly returned to normal. I eventually lay back down on my side as I kept caressing her and kissing her on her neck and face. Sally turned over so she was facing me, put her arm over my chest, looked at me with the softest expression I’d ever seen on her and said, “Rollo, I love you.”
“I love you too, Sally,” I said and nestled down next to her as we fell asleep in each other’s arms.
I woke up wondering where I was. As tired as I was I doubt I would have awakened naturally, but the incessant clatter of a bell ringing right outside the cell door broke into my sleep with no problem. It took me a minute to get my thoughts straight. I remembered how I was feeling completely exhausted as I let my mind drift into a daydream about the time together with Sally and must have fallen asleep right after.
I looked over at Ralph who was sitting on his bed leaning against the wall and asked, “What’s the bell for?”
“It’s time for supper. You’ve been asleep for awhile. We have to be up, dressed and ready for them to open the door. If we’re not, we don’t eat.” he said as he was pulling the top of his jumpsuit up.
I swung my legs over and reached down to put on my slippers. I realized I was really hungry. “What’s the food like?” I asked.
“Not good, but it will fill you up,” he answered.
We both stood by the door and waited. Soon it was opened by a guard and we stood in single file on the wall opposite our cell door.
We were marched to a large room with tables and benches on either side of the tables. It looked a lot like the lunchrooms at school. There was a cafeteria setup with a few guards behind the counters. I followed Ralph as we took our trays through the line. I remembered the earlier warnings about only taking what you would eat because if you didn’t finish eating what you took, there would be trouble. Most of the food didn’t look appetizing and some of it I couldn’t tell what it was. I was hungry but I also wasn’t wanting any trouble, so I took only foods I could recognize like some fried chicken and a couple of vegetables. I did take a dish of what looked like chocolate pudding and a small container of milk. The guards didn’t serve any of the food, but a couple of times as I was in the line I heard them yell at a kid who was taking too much.
Once we had our trays we were directed to the next open table where the guys in front of us in line were being directed to sit. Ralph was right, the food wasn’t great and it didn’t smell like the food should, but it did take away my hunger. There was no talking in the room and the only noise was the rattling of the metal food trays and the sounds of our spoons scraping the food off the trays They didn’t give us knives or forks, just spoons, so if you needed to cut something, like the chicken, you had to do it with the spoon or eat it with your fingers. I turned the spoon around a couple of times and used the handle to help me cut the meat. I guess they figured knives and forks were too much like weapons. They also didn’t give us napkins so I figured out any mess on my fingers had to be licked off until I got back to the cell where I could wash them off.
I noticed some of the guys at our table were finished before others but they didn’t get up to leave. I kept checking some of the other tables without being obvious about it, and finally figured out you couldn’t leave until the entire table was done eating. Then everyone at the table got up at the command of a guard, took their trays back to an opening in the wall by the cafeteria counter, put the trays into the opening, then stood in single file at the door to wait for a guard to escort them back to their cells.
This routine was identical for all meals. I did see a couple of incidents where one of the guys would whisper to the guy next to him at the table. A guard would come up behind him, jerk him to his feet, put some handcuffs on him and escort him out of the lunchroom. I don’t know what happened to them after they left the room. I also decided not to break any rules if I could help it. I just wanted to do my time and get out of there. After my thoughts earlier that afternoon, I was missing Sally and wondered how I could get her to come here for a visit some Sunday.
The routine for the school classes was much the same as for the meals. A bell would ring at a certain time, we would march into the class and be told to sit quietly until the class was dismissed. One thing that was different was Ralph and I didn’t go to the same class. When the guard came for school, he would let Ralph out of the cell first, then another guard would come a few minutes later for me. My guess was it had something to do with age, although when Ralph and I were in our cell and I asked him about his school, it didn’t sound much different than mine.
In my school class, there was a civilian male teacher in charge. There were two guards standing in the room all during the class. The teacher stood in the front of the room and read to us out of a textbook for about forty-five minutes. I was never quite sure what the textbook was about, but it seemed to be related to history or geography. The teacher would speak in a monotone voice which tended to make me feel drowsy. A few times, when one of the guys would nod off to sleep, the teacher would point to the guy and say something to the guard. The guard would pull the guy out of his chair, handcuff him and take him out of the room. Like the guys who were taken out of the lunchroom for breaking some rule, I never found out what happened to them. I wasn’t planning on being one of them, so I guess I really didn’t care.
After a fifteen-minute break, we would go back to the classroom where the same teacher would read for another forty-five minutes from a different text book. The same routine would be repeated after the lunch period in the afternoon with a different text book each time. It only took a few of these sessions to learn how to find a way to focus my mind on other topics in order to avoid sleeping.
After a few days in the Reform School I learned it was possible to write a letter and have it mailed. I did know Sally’s address, so I sent a short note to her to ask her to see if she could come for a Sunday visit. I hadn’t seen or talked to her since just before the trouble at the Fair Grounds, so I had no idea what she knew or how she felt about what had happened.
The daily life in the Detention Center was exactly the same, day-after day. There were shower days when we were allowed to go to the shower room and get clean. Other days we would just wash up at the basin in the cell. We also got one “exercise” time each day, when we could go out to a small, fenced-in area behind the building and walk around. There was nothing to do out there except walk around and look at the sky – something we never saw inside the building. I often wondered why they referred to this as an “exercise” area, since there was nothing to do there which would be exercise other then walking.
They only let a few of the guys out at the same time with strict instructions not to talk to each other. So, we just smoked and walked around. It did feel good to be able to walk further than from wall-to-wall in the cell. It was nice to breathe fresh air and be away from the stale mustiness of the inside even though most everyone smoked while they were out there. The walls of the Detention Center and some other buildings were all we could see from the “exercise” area.
After a few weeks in the Center I discovered how on one Sunday each month one of the libraries in the city would bring a rolling cart of books which could be borrowed. The rule was simple – we could only borrow one book each month and if we borrowed a book, we had to return it the next month when the library cart returned. The first couple of times I borrowed a Hardy Boys book, but discovered I’d have the book read in a few days and then be without a book for three or more weeks before the book cart would be back again. I did ask the library guy who brought the cart into the lunchroom if I could borrow more than one book, but the rule was firm. One month I borrowed the book, “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn”. It was about a poor Irish girl growing up in Brooklyn.
I was just starting to read this book on the Sunday I borrowed it when a guard came and opened our cell door and said, “Van Buren, step out into the hall. You have a visitor.”
I wasn’t surprised as I figured it would be Sally. I stood up and walked up to the door. The guard said, “I have to cuff you while we walk to the visitor’s room. When there’s only one guard, we have to use the handcuffs. I’ll take them off when we get there so your visitor won’t see the cuffs. Turn around.”
He put the handcuffs on me and we proceeded down the hallway in the opposite direction of any of the other activities here, school, lunchroom, showers or outdoor time. We went through several different corridors and finally came to a door. The guard said, “Turn around again, Van Buren, so I can take the cuffs off. When I open the door, you will need to step just inside the door and wait for a guard to call you. Okay?”
I nodded as he took of the handcuffs and opened the door. The room was about half the size of the lunchroom, and it also had long cafeteria-type tables. There were two rows of the tables facing each other with a metal screen set up between them. The screen looked like the backyard fencing in many of the yards in my neighborhood, except the opening in the wires was smaller. There was no one else in the room other than two guards standing next to the wall by the door where I came in. One of the guards took me by my arm, led me to a chair on one side of the screen and said, “Sit here and I’ll bring in your visitor.”
It was then I noticed a locked gate at one end of the table, which he went through. He walked to a door on the other side of the room, opened it and said, “Visitor for Van Buren?”
A moment later Sally walked into the room. I felt my stomach lurch as I looked at her. She looked absolutely beautiful. She was wearing the same dress she had worn to the Symphony concert and her hair was shorter than it was the last time I saw her. The guard directed her to the chair across from me at the opposite table. Sally sat down. She wasn’t smiling and appeared to be nervous. She said, “This is really weird, Rollo!”
She put her head down and I could see she was trying not to cry.
“Yeah, it is, Sally, but it sure is good to see you, even this way.”
Sally looked up and stared into my eyes as she whispered, “What the fuck happened, Rollo? We don’t know shit at home other than what the papers and the radio say. All we know is some guy got murdered at the Fair Grounds and all you guys are in jail for it. Can you say anything here?”
I whispered back, “Nope. Don’t dare say much here, these guys can hear. I don’t know what happened to the other guys. I was separated from them because I was a juvenile and they put me in Reform School until January.”
The guard standing nearest to me called out, “Hey. No whispering you two. If you whisper again the visit is over. Got it?”
We both looked up and nodded.
Sally looked like she wanted to punch somebody, then turned to me and asked, “What happens in January?”
“I get out of here a couple of days before my birthday and then I have to go into the Navy for at least four years. The judge ordered my parents to sign for me.”
“Well, that’s just great,” Sally hissed at me, “if I’m lucky, I get to see you for a couple of days and then you’re off to sail the ocean blue!”
I couldn’t think of anything to say to her, so I just sat there and looked at her and wished I could hold her.
After a few moments of silence between us, Sally looked up at me and said, “I’m sorry, Rollo. You know how I feel about you. We’ve been together for two years now and I love you. This whole situation is just tearing me up and it doesn’t look like there’s anything I can do about it. I wish I knew more about it. Will you tell me more when you’re home in January?”
“Sure,” I answered. “I’ll tell you anything you want. I don’t like what’s happened either, but it’s also out of my control. The good news is I was lucky to still be a juvenile. If I do the four years and get out with an honorable discharge, my juvenile record will disappear.”
“Yeah, but there’s a fucking war going on. You could get killed, you know!”
The guard called out, “You have another five minutes and then the visit is over for this time.”
“If I kill that guy will they put me in here with you?” Sally asked with a smirky grin on her face.
The guard started to say something to her, but then smiled and leaned back against the wall.
“Is there anything I can get for you or do for you until you get out?” Sally asked.
“Nope. I don’t have much longer to go and then I’ll have the chance to hold you again. How has your mother reacted to all this?”
“She hasn’t said much, but I know she thinks the world of you. She might be alright once she knows more about what happened. Are they rough on you in here?”
“Not as long as I keep out of trouble. I’m just doing what I’m told and keeping my mouth shut.”
I could see the guard start to move forward on Sally’s side, so I said, “I’ll see you in a couple of months. If you can come and visit again, I hope you will. I love seeing you and I love you.”
The guard came up to Sally and she stood up. “You know I have a car now and a decent job, so I should be able to come again. I love you too, Rollo.”
Sally blew me a kiss and I blew one back at her. “Bye, Sally,” I said as she was escorted out the door.
Over the remaining months of my stay at the Juvenile Detention Center the routine was precisely the same day after day. Nothing ever varied. I stayed in the same cell with the same cell-mate. I got to take a shower every Tuesday and every Saturday. I was able to go outside once a day. Even the food never seemed to change. Each day of the week had its own menu – every Monday was the same – every Tuesday was the same, etc. The “school” never seemed to teach any different lessons over the entire time I was there. There were no tests. I can’t swear there wasn’t some variety in the teaching because I ceased actually listening to the man who stood up in front of the class and read out of a book, droning on and on for a solid two hours in the morning and another two hours in the afternoon five days a week. He never asked a question and none of the guys ever volunteered to ask one. The one important lesson I learned was how to appear awake with my eyes open even though I was mentally sound asleep. Based on the number of guys who did fall asleep in class, this ability to appear awake while being literally brain-dead was, I felt, a great achievement.
I did get in the habit of reading as there was nothing else to do when locked in the cell for so many hours a day. I also began to do a lot of writing when I had finished a book and was waiting for the time to pass before I could get another one. I wrote journals about my thoughts and feelings, not only about being in the Detention Center, but about all the other aspects of my life.
(I wish I had kept those journals but they are no longer in my life and I don’t have a recollection of where or when they disappeared. If I had kept them I probably wouldn’t be writing this book today.)
Sally came to visit several times over the remaining months – not every Sunday – but most of them. She was my only visitor and it was interesting to see how she was changing from the tough State Fair Duchess to a more mature young woman. She had begun working as a salesclerk at the J.L. Hudson store in downtown Detroit, but had been promoted to a higher-paying office job at the store. She was proud of her accomplishments and was looking forward to more advancements in the future.
Since the only thing we could do on these visits was talk together, Sally was able to let more of her feelings come out about our situation as it stood at the time and about where we would be going in the future.
“Rollo, where do you see all this leading over the next few years?” Sally asked on one of her visits to the Center.
I didn’t know what to say as an answer. It was a topic I didn’t even want to think about. All my focus was on getting out of the Center – getting a couple of days back in my neighborhood – finding out as much as I could about what happened to the rest of the guys – and going into the Navy.
I looked at Sally and saw some tears starting to form in her eyes. “I don’t know how to answer you,” I said, “I do know I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t want to lose you either, Rollo, but you are going to be away in the service for the next four years. Plus, there’s a war going on and I’m scared for you – I’m scared for me too.”
The tears began to run down her cheeks. She kept reaching up with her fingers to try to wipe them away and the look in her eyes and the sadness in her face were making me want to cry with her.
“Aw, Sally, if only I had come home that night instead of having another beer and then another beer. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if I had used my head instead of listening to the guys. I did tell Billy I was going to leave right after I had only one beer, but I got talked out of it. I am really sorry, Sally!”
“I know you are, and I’m sorry too.” Sally’s eyes hardened as she went on, “But you did stay there and you did get involved in this mess, and now you’re stuck here and then you have to go away for the next four years. Like it or not, it doesn’t sound like a fun time to me! It makes me sad and mad at the same time. If I didn’t think that cop over there would arrest me, I’d like to slap you hard right now! You fucked up and because you did, my life is messed up too.”
“I don’t have any answers for you, Sally. I wish I did. In many ways I’m still just a kid about to go to war in the Navy. I have no idea what that means. I know I fucked up, royally, but I can’t go back and change it.”
“I know you can’t. I also know I really don’t want to talk about this now. Maybe when you’re back home before you have to leave, we can spend some time with it while we’re alone. It’s weird trying to talk when there’s cops who can hear us.”
We both sat quietly for a few minutes and then Sally got up and said, “I know I said I wanted to slap you before, but what I really want to do is kiss you. So, since I can’t do that here, here’s what I can do.”
Sally touched her fingers to her lips and blew me a kiss as she turned and walked toward the door where the guard let her out.
I touched my fingers to my lips as well, but her back was already turned and she didn’t see it.
That was the last time Sally visited me at the Center.
Late in the afternoon of January 25, 1950, I was feeling impatient because I knew the next day I should be getting out and released for a couple of days before my birthday and I hadn’t heard anything further about it. My cell mate was sound asleep and I was doing what I do when I’m stressed — pacing back and forth from one side of the cell to the other. I would pace to the door of the cell, look out of the small window, turn around and pace back to the toilet and sink at the back of the cell.
Just as I was finishing one of my laps and preparing to look out the door window, one of the Detention Center guard’s faces came to the window at almost the same time I did. He jerked back as did I. I stepped back a few paces and he yelled out, “Step back to your bunk and sit down.” It was a guard I had never seen before. After I sat down he opened the cell door and asked, “Which one of you is Van Buren?”
“I am,” I answered.
“Alright, stand up so I can cuff you. My boss wants to see you.”
We walked through several corridors, some of which were noisy as the cells along some of the corridors had bars on the doors instead of a solid door like the one I was in. Some of the cells had occupants who were staring out between the cell bars. As I looked at their faces I could see they were quite a bit younger than the guys I had been seeing over the past months. Also, they were obviously curious about the guard and me passing by them.
We eventually came to a door at the end of one of the corridors which the guard opened with keys he was carrying on a chain. This area was new to me and I was surprised at how quiet it was. As the guard led me forward I could see an open door at the far end of the hallway, a couple of open doors on my right which had desks in them but no people I could see, and two doors on my left, one with a bathroom sign, and the other with no markings. When we reached the end of the hall, the guard stepped into the room so he could tap on the open door.
A voice from inside said, “Come in.”
We stepped in and I could see an older man in a business suit seated behind a desk talking on the telephone. There were two chairs in front of the desk. The man behind the desk looked up at the guard and motioned toward me as he said, “Please remove the cuffs from him, but stay in the room.”
The guard answered, “Yes sir,” as he took the cuffs off my wrists and motioned for me to sit in one of the chairs by the desk. He took a seat by another chair near the door.
The man at the desk finished his conversation on the phone, turned to me and asked, “You’re Roland Van Buren – is that correct?”
I nodded.
“My name is Mr. Berka, and I’m the Warden of this Center. It’s my understanding you’re going to be leaving us tomorrow morning.” He stopped as he looked at papers in a folder on his desk. “Also, from what I see in your record here, you have had no violations of the rules during your stay. Excellent! That’s not easy to do, as you know. You’re going to go into the Navy on the Twenty-eighth, is that right?”
I nodded again.
“Good, the Navy’s a fine place to go. I think some of the experiences you’ve had here with us will be a big help to you in the service.”
Most of the time when I was in the presence of the guards, I would feel tense and careful. It was as though I needed to be constantly alert to my behavior so I wouldn’t piss off a guard and end up in trouble. The warden’s way of looking at me and his tone of voice was the exact opposite of any of the guards I met. Sitting in the chair in the warden’s office I found I was feeling more relaxed than I’d felt the entire time I was incarcerated. The mere fact I was hearing someone in authority express awareness of how difficult it was to live in the Center was both strange and encouraging. I wondered if it was rare for him to be speaking with an inmate who hadn’t broken any rules.
Mr. Berka pushed the folder aside and closed it. He leaned forward on his desk and looked at me. “Roland, here’s what’s going to happen in the morning. Right after breakfast you’ll be escorted to the room where you first got your uniform and will be given the clothes you were wearing when you arrived here. They have been washed and will be ready for you to wear when you leave here. Officers from the Detroit Police Department will arrive around ten-o’clock to drive you to your parents’ home. Since you are still under the control of the juvenile system for the next two days, you won’t have complete freedom while you’re at home. The purpose behind these two days is to give you some time to gather whatever you may need to take with you when you appear at the enlistment center. If you have to leave your parents’ home for any reason, it will be necessary for you or your parents to notify the police so they can escort you to wherever you need to go, or for one of your parents to accompany you. On the morning of your birthday, both of your parents will take you to the Navy Enlistment Center so they can sign the necessary papers for you to enlist on your seventeenth birthday. Any questions so far?”
I answered immediately, “Only one I can think of. I haven’t lived at my parents’ home since I was twelve years old. I don’t have any clothes or any other belongings of mine there. All my stuff is at the home of a friend. It is where I’ve lived for the last four or five years. Is there some way I could be taken there instead of to my parents?”
Mr. Berka looked at me and went back the papers in the folder. “According to what I see here, the judge was specific – until you become the property of the U.S. Navy, you are under the jurisdiction of the Juvenile Court. The only people he has entrusted to look after you during those two days are your parents or the police. If you need to go to a friend’s house, you’re going to have to get the police to bring you or convince your parents to do so. We have to follow the judge’s orders. I don’t see any possibility of an alternative.” He paused as he sat back in his chair. “So, is there anything else I can cover for you?”
My head was spinning. How was I going to accomplish what I needed to do? Getting a few hours alone with Sally was so important to me. I didn’t want to be going off for so long without having a chance to say goodbye to her properly. The last time I saw her I could tell she was having serious trouble with how my life had changed so drastically and how it would affect her.
I had no intention of running away – I was ready to go into the Navy and try to get my life back in order. I wanted to learn as much as I could about what happened to Billy, Bob and the other guys. I wanted to be able to say something to Reverend Schutter and to Miss Thomas.
My concern about how Miss Thomas would feel about me now was always in the back of my mind. I wondered if I would be able to continue with the piano in any way while I was in the Navy. Even though I hadn’t thought much about my music life over the past few weeks, I did miss it. When I would practice for those hours everyday, I felt so much more in control of my life than I did at any other time. I also realized how much my life had changed in such a short time. It was depressing to think about it. So much of what gave me a sense of worth seemed lost forever.
I didn’t know what I would be allowed to take with me after I was enlisted, but I was betting I wouldn’t be getting a uniform right away. I would need some clothes and toilet articles, at the least. I wanted to get some of my money-stash. I didn’t think I wanted to take all of it, though. There was quite a bit there.
The warden cleared his throat and said, “I asked you if there was anything else, Roland.”
I snapped back into the reality of the present. I didn’t know how to answer the warden’s question, so I just looked up at him and said, “No sir.”
He looked over at the guard and said, “Okay then, let’s put the cuffs back on him and escort him back to his cell. Roland, good luck to you and enjoy your last night with us.”
The next morning as I was waiting for the breakfast routine to wrap up, one of the guards came over to me and told me to stand up as he put handcuffs on me. Some of the other guys at the table looked at me with wonder on their faces. They didn’t see me doing anything wrong, so I knew they were confused. I wasn’t panicked because I knew this was my last breakfast in the Center. He escorted me to the room I was in when I first got my jailhouse clothes. There was no one in the room when we arrived so the guard guided me over to the bench in the center of the room and said, “Sit here, be quiet and wait for another guard to come in.”
“Can I get these cuffs off?” I asked.
“No. Just wait for another guard. He’ll be in shortly,” he said as he left the room.
A guard I had never seen before came into the room and asked, “What’s your name?”
I told him and he went over to a box with some folders in it and pulled one out. He then went to some shelves with lots of paper bags on them and started looking though them. Eventually he pulled one out and walked over to me.
“Okay, Van Buren. These are the clothes you were wearing when you came in here. You need to strip down, take a shower, and then put your own clothes on. We like our customers to be nice and clean when they leave us. You have a while yet before the police will be here to pick you up. I’m going to remove your cuffs so behave yourself and I won’t have to knock you on your ass.”
After I was done showering, I opened the bag with my clothes. They had been washed and neatly folded. It was strange to be getting into my old clothes again. It had only been a few months in the Center, but wearing the jail clothes had a different feel to them. I had become accustomed to them. I had a particularly hard time putting the socks and shoes back on. After wearing only slippers for those months my feet had changed shape – or perhaps my foot had grown. The shoes felt tight, short and hurt my feet. I tied the laces loosely so the shoes could expand a little.
After I was dressed, the guard put the cuffs back on, ordered me to sit on the bench and wait for the police to arrive.
“Do you know how long they’ll be?” I asked.
“Listen you,” he responded in a gruff tone of voice, “you’re still here in Juvie and you’re still under the rules of this place. That means you don’t speak unless you’re spoken to. If you don’t want to end up back in your cell, you need to just shut up, sit quietly and wait. You hear me?”
I nodded as I sat down.
My first shock as I left the Center and walked out with the police officer to the waiting squad car was how cold it was. I didn’t have a jacket or sweater or anything to wear for the January weather in Detroit. I also hadn’t been out in the exercise area for the past couple of weeks. I said, “Shit, it’s cold out here and I don’t have a jacket!”
The cop answered me, “The car is all warmed up and my partner’s been sitting in it with the heater running so it shouldn’t be too bad once we get in.”
I had no idea how I would feel riding in the back of a police car in my own clothes on my way to my neighborhood. I suppose if I had been on my way to Sally’s I would have felt a lot better than I did being transported to my parents’ home. I found my thoughts going to my father and wondering what his reaction would be to me now. I did get a grin on my face when I thought about what would happen if he tried to do one of his old attic trips with me again. I was no longer the little eleven-year-old kid I was the last time he did his thing. I was a couple of days from being seventeen – nearly a full-grown man who knew something about fighting. I was more than capable of taking the control away from him – and doing it, hopefully, in a way which wouldn’t land me back in jail.
It had snowed the night before so the streets were a little slippery. There wasn’t much traffic because of the weather but it wasn’t long before we were pulling into Russell off of State Fair. I was anxious to see the Sugar Bowl, but as we drove by it didn’t look like there was anyone there. I wondered if the gang had ceased to exist.
We were almost to my parents’ house and I came to the conclusion I would have to ask my father to bring me to Sally’s as I had nothing at my parents’ home. I didn’t even have a toothbrush or a comb, let alone a change of clothes or a jacket. All my belongings were at Sally’s. It was the twenty-sixth of January and I would be heading for enlisting in the Navy on the morning of the twenty-eighth. There wasn’t much time and I doubted if my father would be willing to leave me at Sally’s for any length of time, nor would he be willing to sit and wait. My mind was completely absorbed with trying to think how I could carry off what I needed to do in order to spend some time with Sally, and get the things I needed. I hadn’t come up with any brilliant answers to my dilemma by the time we arrived at my parent’s.
We pulled into the driveway of the house and the cop in the passenger seat got out and opened my door. As I got out, he said, “Turn around, Roland. We need to get these cuffs off you before we go in the house. Your parents don’t need to see these on you.”
After the cuffs were off, we hurried up the front steps and the cop knocked on the door. My mother answered the door and we stepped into the living room. My mother just nodded to the policeman, looked over at me and said, “Roland.”
I looked around and asked, “Where’s Dad?”
“He’s at a church meeting all day,” my mother answered.
Good, I thought.
The news that my father wasn’t home, and wouldn’t be home for most of the day caused my mind to clear as to what to do. I turned to the cop who was standing near the front door and said, “My mother doesn’t drive and my father isn’t here. I haven’t lived here since I was twelve years old and I don’t have any belongings here at all. Everything I own is at my friend’s house. Would it be possible for you, or some other police officers, to take me there so I could get some warmer clothes and other stuff? It would have to be today so I can at least brush my teeth before I go to bed.”
“I don’t know,” he said. “How long do you think it would take you to gather up your stuff?”
“Probably a couple of hours.”
“Hmmm, that’s a long time to sit in a car with the heater running in this weather. Is there an adult there?”
“I don’t know, but I can find out,” I answered.
I brushed past my mother, went into the dining room where my parents kept their phone and called Sally. After I hung up with Sally I turned to the cop and said, “She said her mother would be there.”
He nodded and said, “Okay, let me go check in with my partner and I’ll let you know in a little while.”
After he left a feeling of defiance came over me. I walked into the living room and sat in the one chair I had never been in before – my father’s chair. My mother watched me with her eyes wide and her mouth open to say something, but didn’t. She sort of ‘huffed’ and walked into the kitchen.
A few minutes later the cop knocked and my mother let him in. “We have a couple of things we have to do right now, but we can come back for you in about an hour. We’ll have to talk with the adult at your friend’s, and if it looks okay, we can leave you there for awhile. Will that work for you?”
I nodded.
My defiant feeling continued to grow. I reached into my shirt pocket, pulled out my pack of cigarettes and asked my mother, “Did Dad quit smoking? I don’t see an ashtray anywhere.”
“Yes. He quit a few months ago. Do you want an ashtray? I really don’t want the smell of smoke in here,” she said in a harsh tone of voice.
“Yeah. I need a smoke. I’ll go outside and smoke if you want but I’ll need to borrow one of Dad’s jackets until I get my own stuff. It’s cold out there.”
After she brought me a jacket I went outside for a smoke.
About an hour and a half later the cops returned. We went directly to Sally’s house. It was strange for me to be coming in the front door at Sally’s –- I’d always come in the back door since it led to the basement. Both Sally and her mother came to the door. The cop reached out, shook their hands and said, “Hello, my name is Officer Phillips. I need to spend just a moment talking with you folks and then we should be able to get the squad car out of your driveway.”
Sally and her mother introduced themselves and invited the officer to have a seat. He refused and remained standing. Sally and I sat on the couch while Mrs. Russell sat in one of the chairs.
“Mrs. Russell, as you know, Roland is at home for only today and tomorrow. He is required to stay at his parents’ house while he’s home. He is under the jurisdiction of the Juvenile Court until the Navy takes him under their wing the day after tomorrow. We need to be certain he doesn’t go running off to Timbuktu or someplace before he enlists. He needs to gather some of his belongings while he’s here. We can be back in a couple of hours to pick him up. Is that agreeable to you – and can you state he will not leave here during that time?”
I couldn’t help but smile at his Timbuktu comment and looked over at Sally. She wasn’t smiling at all and her face was showing a lot of stress.
Mrs. Russell answered Officer Phillips, “I can assure you Roland won’t leave here until you come and pick him up. We know Roland and we know he sees this change in his life as an opportunity to move forward. Thank you for allowing him to stay for awhile.”
I saw Sally nod but still no smiles.
“Fine,” Officer Phillips said, “we’ll be back in about two hours.” He looked over at Sally and then at me. He turned around, nodded at Mrs. Russell, and left.
Mrs. Russell stood up, came over to me and said, “I think a hug is in order, don’t you?”
I nodded, stood up and we hugged. I could feel the tears start to form in my eyes as I looked over Mrs. Russell’s shoulder at Sally. She looked so sad. Mrs. Russell reached out with her arm toward Sally and said, “Come on, Sally, join us.”
I also reached out my arm and Sally stood and let us pull her close. The warmth of this three-fold embrace was so strange to me, yet so wonderful. After these past few months and years to now know how love felt was rather miraculous.
We stayed in our embrace for several moments. As Mrs. Russell pulled away I could see she had watery eyes as well. She said, “Okay, you guys need to start gathering up some clothes and stuff. Roland, I don’t have an extra satchel or anything, but would you like a paper bag for your things?”
“Yes, that would be great, Mrs. Russell.”
Sally and I headed down the stairs. When we reached the basement I reached out to her again and she did come into my arms for a hug and kiss.
“I’m so sad, Roland,” she whispered into my ear. “I’m sad – I’m frightened – I’m angry – I don’t want to let you go but I know I have to. It is so hard to understand how we got to this place. What will happen to our lives now?”
“Sally, I don’t know what will become of us. I do know I’m mature enough to see this is a real chance to get my life on a better track. I know that I do love you. I also know I can’t seem to think much beyond the next few moments right now. There’s only a couple of hours left when I can be with you. I guess I can only think about how important those couple of hours are.”
I could feel Sally nod her head against my shoulder.
“I would like to spend a few minutes putting some of my things in the bag, and then spend the rest of the time just being here and holding you. Okay?”
Sally nodded and turned away so I wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes. She went over to the closet, looked at my stuff and asked, “How much stuff are you going to take?”
“Just a couple of changes of clothes, my bathroom stuff and music. I also have quite a lot of money stashed here and I don’t want to take much of it with me. Would you be willing to keep the rest of it here and send more to me as I need it?”
“How much is there?”
“I don’t know exactly, but I would guess three or four thousand dollars. I never spent much of what I was earning, so it just sort of piled up. I would also like it if you gave your Mom a few hundred dollars to cover whatever expenses I created living here – you know light bill – heat and stuff like that.”
Sally’s eyes were as big as saucers as she heard me say how much money was there. Her mouth fell open and she started to say something, then seemed to change her mind. She just stared at me.
She finally seemed to settle down and she said, “That’s a lot of money, Roland. Is it alright with you if I put it in a bank account? It would be a lot safer there than it is here. I’d be nervous all the time if I knew so much money was in the house. Did you steal any of it, or is it all from what you earned?”
“Some of it is honest money I made unloading boxes and none of it is stolen. Some of it is the money I made while I was stealing cars. That’s not stolen, but it isn’t really honest money, either.”
Sally got a huge grin on her face and said, “You son of a bitch! Yes, I’ll give some to my Mom and I’ll put the rest in a bank account so when you need any money I can just make you a money order.”
We spent the next few minutes loading clothes, music and some bathroom stuff into the paper bag, then sat down on my bed.